Back in 2017, our humour contributor Rachel Burns wrote this ridiculous guide to the perfect Vancouver staycation. We brought it back from our archives because, this summer, it feels more relevant than ever.
Italian cooking residence program conflicted with your child’s day camp play? Didn’t manage to book that sold-out glamping airstream? Missed your ferry reservation by one minute, leaving the Queen of Coquitlam to sail off without you and your summer vacation dreams?
Don’t worry; it’ll all be okay. Here are five easy ways to travel in your own apartment.
All-inclusive
Because Puerto Vallarta never appealed to you anyways. When does your patio turn into a beach bar? Easy: when you weave your own wristband. Gather dental floss, discarded bunting twine, and thread stored from abandoned crafting days and braid it all together into a funky bracelet. Enjoy the bliss of watered-down highballs from your niece’s Frozen sippy cup. Experience the transcendence of Danielle Steele’s poetic verse while casually blaring pop-reggae remixes. Embrace the caress of shag carpeting, burying your toes in a mirage of white, flowing sand.
Charming markets
Experience the charms of a European flea market without even leaving your living room. For this vacation, clutter’s a must. Unearth exciting relics from the depths of your basement storage unit. Sway to the soundtrack of Amélie while wandering casually around your sofa, admiring carefully draped vintage clothing hung from a slatted wooden drying rack. Sift through stacks of bygone memories: outdated textbooks, chipped teacups, and artfully faded photographs. Pretend to casually walk away while successfully bartering (with yourself) for the antique globe you’ve always had, but never knew you truly wanted. Stray cats and baguette optional.
Re-imagine infinity
Travel isn’t forever, but can’t relaxation reach infinity? Lounge poolside on your own terms—from the inside of your bathroom. Unlike this incredible staycation, your 32-inch soaker bathtub hasn’t been reaching its full capacity. Take that cool water and your relaxation ambitions right to the very edge with the confidence of a high-profile spin instructor always pushing you to do your best. Dip in carefully, draped in your best bikini or Speedo, while casually sipping a glass of Champagne. Cardboard cutout of palm-treed sunset recommended—albeit completely voluntary.
Tropical breezes
Feel like 15 degrees isn’t qualifying as “summer”? Feel the sun-drenched shores of the tropics… from the comfort of your kitchen. Quickly turn Lions Bay into Montego simply by turning on your oven and opening its door. In just 40 minutes, be enveloped in a complete, broiling, and satisfying warmth. Carefully angle fans, plus a nicely padded lawn chair, to fully complete this total-body experience. Humidifier, wrap-around shades, and SPF 60 are suggested.
Namaste at ’om
Bring the yoga retreat to you—inside of your own ’om. Because nothing quite says “intimate growth experience” like 20 mats placed side-by-side in a 600-square-foot condo. Comparing your six-pack to the imaginary yogi beside you will almost seem secondary after being casually kicked by another in a failed attempt at koundinyasana. After your teacher (played by a potted succulent) abandons class to pursue her own spiritual awakening, and your vegan “Buddha bowl” (raw kale and Italian dressing) leaves you feeling healthy yet strangely delirious, you’ll finally realize that indeed, om is where the heart is. At least, until you can actually get out of the city.
This article from our archives was originally published on July 12, 2017. Read some real travel stories here.
